Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*checks real estate listings on other planets*

“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*

I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me

Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables

Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool

Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.

HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?

Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.

me: can i get some ketchup?

waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant

me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz

A marinara trench sounds nice tbh

I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.

Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.

Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.

Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.

HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.

Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*

my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid

My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.

facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces

“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”

-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine

Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda

Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.

I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.

Me: “Want a banana?”

3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”

“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”

[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]

Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?

Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.

[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]

Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.

[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]

Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO

My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it

At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.

I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.

genie: and for your third wish?

me: that you fall in love with me

[later]

me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list