Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies

Wife: People are coming over tomorrow

Me: We should clean today

Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?

Me: We should clean tomorrow

When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.

I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.

Husband: …

My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.

Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”

frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.

WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS

being a writer on Twitter:

IT guy: what seems to be the problem

me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again

IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do

I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs

Optometrist: better or worse

Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse

Xylophonist Shredding It

One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.

Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*

phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?

me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box

“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.

When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.

Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims

Went to get coffee for a coworker.

I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.

[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.

Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?

My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.

As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.

I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.

Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.

Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.

Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”

*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

[Asking someone out]

Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?

should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me