Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.
Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.
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what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
The legends speak of a third Duran…
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:
a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?