Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.
Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.
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No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
I wanted to drive around and enjoy the lights, but nooooo that cop insisted I pull over right away.