Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.
Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.
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I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
NEW YORKERS: we need more housing
DEVELOPERS: you mean, like, little baby apartments?
NEW YORKERS: no, real housing
DEVELOPERS: we made the little baby apartments.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: you cannot afford them.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: they are “luxury” 😆
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
live long and prosper!
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”
Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back