Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.

“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”

grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight

Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat

Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise

is this meant to deter me

I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.

M: I’m gonna go relax

H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help

Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.

HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*

Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?

The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.

Son: How does this end?

Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland

Son: No this movie

Me: Shrek marries Fiona

HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.

ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.

The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”

☠️ ☠️

At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years

Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?

If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.

*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger

The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…

People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones

If you know, you know 😂🚔

On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.

This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.

Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit

My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her