Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Police Officer: “Turn around!”

Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”

Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE

This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.

When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog

Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.

Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms

I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today

*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower

prison guard: those are ramen noodles

During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter

Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce

ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today

TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨

My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.

DTF (Down time finally)

-mom’s everywhere

I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?

it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.

Me: *calls* How are my kids?

Grandma: We’re having so much fun

Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-

Grandma: Come get your kids.

“I think I’m falling for you.”

-replacement skydivers

I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.

Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal

Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.

He told me I was too pretty not to smile.

So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.

Now I’m smiling.

ㅤ

If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.

“Just dashing to the shops”

Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]

Man [grabs car keys]