Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.

Me: I am above the law.

Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her

“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online

I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.

[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW

No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here

I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.

how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”

Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life

You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.

*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?

2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’

I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.

This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.

Me: I try not to make snap judgments.

Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.

Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.

I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.

If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.

I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.

It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.

“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets

thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation

People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right

I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive

Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol

Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.

I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead

You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.

Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.

Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi

Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose

People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges