Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: oh sorry I thought you worked here

me, in line at a haunted house: WOW

pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied

I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.

Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance

“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”

Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.

Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM

Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?

4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.

Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’

Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’

i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”

Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again

Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.

I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.

If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.

[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito

Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.

Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-

Him: I hope I die first.

Her: Aww you can’t live without me?

Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.

*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird

The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.

There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.

Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.

Who will tell him he’s not a dog !

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying

Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?

Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.

That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.

ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.

HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?

ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.

Important Valentine’s Day PSA:

Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.

Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!