Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
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can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
At ease
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Happy Thanksgiving
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
I feel attacked.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job