Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.

fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea

People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.

CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢

My son is suspended?

Yes, in-school suspension.

So he goes to school?

Yes, but he’s suspended.

Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?

Yes.

Idiot.

For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”

Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.

– an early draft

Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too. 

*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*

“how’s everything tasting folks”

[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family

DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*

WIFE: the dog got the mail again

ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?

WIFE: because she knows you hate bills

ME: …

DOG: *still wagging*

ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!

Wife: I’m heading to work.

6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.

That’s not ominous at all.

[me, being murdered] agree to disagree

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?

if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming

Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.

interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired

me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood

Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*

Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits

“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me

me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this

ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said

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People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!

brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it

Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.

Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek

you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.

We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.