Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf
You Might Also Like
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Who did it better?
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏