Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf
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REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Frog purse.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Me irl
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.