APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I bought a 12 year old whiskey. His parents are furious
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
