Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.

I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…

Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.

One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week

Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”

6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”

*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*

8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”

The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??

Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?

Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks

Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?

Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.

When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.

Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake

This is top tier marketing 😂🤣

Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.

yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please

TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese

ME: Treese

HER: I hate you

[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice

I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house

[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]

Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT

(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

bigfoot

the abominable snowman

chupacabras

the loch ness monster

a unicorn

mermaids

restful sleep

dragons

a super walmart

werewolves

happiness

cyclops

a 2,000 calorie diet

santa claus

I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from

*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*

hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?

love you

ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??

Love you, dont worry about me

If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”

If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.

I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.

If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.

The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.

When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.