Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
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Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo
my wife: the baby’s crying
me: as he should be. it’s upsetting
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn