Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
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Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
“i am a sweet baby”
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
True statement👍😏😁
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
