If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
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Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Lmao
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see