Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
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Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
A woof in sheep’s clothing.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
making sure he doesnt get away
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
I’d use my best pan on you.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar