Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.

Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor

A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

where do you see yourself in five years?

[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?

LinkedIn is a terrible dating site

I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now

I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days

1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark

2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal

The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.

This pretty much sums up my life choices.

My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.

The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on

Me: *brings a package inside*

4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?

Me: Just some bras.

4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.

I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers

My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.

I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.

Him: *gets the handcuffs out*

Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*

Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?

5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.

Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.

Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!

There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.

[on a first date]

Her: I don’t like guns

Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*

Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.

If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.

God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens

Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense

mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing

I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.

Son: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great

Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!

Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.