Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.

Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.

SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.

Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.

*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*

*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*

Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.

Wife: I am angry with you.

Husband: Again or Still ?

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.

I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.

[post sex interview]

reporter: what went wrong out there

me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came

Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.

[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG

That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us

If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.

Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.

Her: Are you even capable of love?

Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.

Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.

Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.

I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.

Chess with Australians must get so confusing.

“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”

My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

Jeff Bezos this morning:

“Alexa, end my marriage”

My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.

Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.

What if a woman was Nunchucks?

– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating

In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot