Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play

Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold

Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?

Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money

Manager: Is this true

Waiter: I just gave him the check

[Italian restaurant]

LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”

TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”

Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

friend: how’s the new job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point

Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.

I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.

When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.

I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur

always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”

“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.

Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost

“What’s that?”

“It’s a therapy cat.”

“It looks like a chihuahua.”

“That’s why the therapy.”

kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can

Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?

What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear

Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home

Brownies: you lied

Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.

My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!

Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.

9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week

Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months

*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down

*stares into the abyss

The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.

[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles

I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound

Does your wife know you’re single?

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,

“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”

Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.

No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.