Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
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me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.