Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
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[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Spider-cat: No One Home
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph