Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.

GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?

ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.

HER: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.

[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin

For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.

I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.

The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together

[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*

Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.

On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)

ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.

NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?

ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.

When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”

I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot

My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.

I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.

I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie

No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.

Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.

Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie

Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.

I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.

I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.

The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them

When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.

If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?

Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.

When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.

Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.