Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.

My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.

Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining

Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet

I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur

*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*

“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”

waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?

me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.

Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”

Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”

My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.

It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.

my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”

This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total

i- i did not expect this

The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”

Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.

[on a rocket which just launched into space]

Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.

They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.

Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me

Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.

*strips naked*

“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?

Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.

“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”

~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion

When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.

I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.

God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.

Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.

Lmao

Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.

Me: I’m really at the end of my rope

Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING