Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
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ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog