Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.

me: will i go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

consequences, the bane of my existence

Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.

wut hotdog?

I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image

SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend

*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?

I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.

barista calling out order: Gee Off

Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago

barista: nice try, Gee Off

I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.

It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible

Friend: *texting* come out tonight

Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there

VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?

Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

My diet starts in January

of 2027

Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit

Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.

👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏

[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]

There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.

Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.

“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon

Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.

Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??

The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.

When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies

After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.

These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.