Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
You Might Also Like
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Wait a minute