Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*answers phone call from boss*

I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!

A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.

Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.

nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”

When texting a woman while she is mad and you see them 3 dots for like 5 minutes then they just disappear….. start running

If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.

me: do you gift wrap

drug dealer: what

#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬

Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.

If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.

[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*

Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.

It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.

Breaking news:

Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns

I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.

…or queso.

…or salsa.

…or dill pickles.

…or Jeff Goldblum.

…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.

I ain’t picky.

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out

Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.

This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.

Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.

Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.

I disagree. Me:

*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late

I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.

This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.

My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

Duolingo getting serious.