[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
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If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
What the dentist sees
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.