Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.

me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok

9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week

Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months

Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.

[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?

[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!

The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.

To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names

Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.

The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.

Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭

For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.

her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it

My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.

Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”

I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.

The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?

[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme

When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer

Genie: One wish left

Me: I wish I was cool

Genie: Your wish is granted

⛄️: Wait not like this

I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose

Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place

Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect

Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho

We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.

IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.

Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.

PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?

PHARAOH: yes, take this down

SUBJECT: ok

PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird

Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.

Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.

A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”

“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”

– makers of band-aids

Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?

Him: I’m right here!

Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y

Him: That’s not what I said

Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G