[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
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When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Now who done made this a sport lmao
How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
How animals would run if they were human
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
i want enemies
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.