[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
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WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.