Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.

babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish

judge: how can this be your defense?

me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?

A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.

I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.

sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*

waitress: are there any allergies at this table?

me, already drunk: POLLEN

DOG 911: what’s ur emer-

DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME

DOG 911: can you bite it?

DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.

My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.

“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians

“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”

Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat

when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1

Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?

Me: *jumps out the window*

CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.

When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no

God: *frowns*

Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.

I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal

John: Yesterday…

Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away

George: But now it looks…

Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough

“You could have done so much better than him.”

Me: Mom, I’m right here.

The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…

Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.

*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.

Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!

Me: *puts hands out*

Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?

Me: *blushing* guilty

Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME