Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reasons people get divorced:

-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy

Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.

When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.

How to wake up a Beagle

Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.

me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof

friend: oof

me: pretty much

I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.

**both sitting at the pub having a beer**

Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?

Friend: I gave up drinking.

Me:

Friend:

Me: No.

Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?

Me: Nicely done.

Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….

Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first

I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?

No weirdos.

Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.

How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?

A tractor.

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”

[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.

In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.

*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?

i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right

People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.

It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.

THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.

ME: As planned.

I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.

My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.

Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,

WE HATE YOU!

Sincerely,

Everyone born in December.

Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.

That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.

all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man

My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.

Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?