Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?

I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly

Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday

My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.

My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow

There is nothing special about tomorrow

But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over

@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂

I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.

ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so

me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*

website: we need you to call for that

me: *calls*

phone message: we’re busy, use the website

me: screams into the void

the void: please use the website

The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.

I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE

My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful

TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die

[arrest]

ME: you’ve got the wrong g-

COP: tell it to the judge

[court]

ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape

Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.

[dragging a corpse to the shed]

NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?

ME: decorations?

*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes

The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.

Me: The doctor said that because of the anesthesia, I should just lay around all day reading and watching Saved by the Bell

TwinzerMom: Wasn’t it just a local anesthetic?

Me: I mean, I’m not the one with the medical degree, so who am I to question?

her: *texts something funny*

me: *types hahahahaha*

*stares at it*

*deletes one ha*

Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.

I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.

Hacker: Give us your password or else

30 minutes later…

Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points

[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas

[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.

*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*

5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?

*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*

Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go

5yo: I’m full from leaves

HER: What kind of music do you like?

ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.

HER: Okay.

ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.

Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?

opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are