Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?

*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper

putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler

How to numbers:

1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?

[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed

Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.

Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!

I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.

Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?

Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV

[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?

me: I got a cookie just for donating blood

friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood

[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]

laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US

Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭

Hell hath no fury like a woman.

Oh? That’s not the entire expression?

People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?

There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.

Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?

(wine tasting)

WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.

Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two

Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!

Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!

I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me

If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.

I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me

ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?

HER: what? they’re not for sale!

ME: this is preposterous

HER: no, this is a daycare