Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!

Read to your child.

#Mothersday #booklovers

“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”

-anyone on road trips with me

When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on

Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”

Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’

Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’

Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.

Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity

My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..

We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.

My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.

One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.

According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.

Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?

Me: You bought me a ski jacket

Her: Skiing is a sport!

just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml

Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress

I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.

My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job

Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”

“Call me crazy bu..”

You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.

Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?

Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name

My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL

*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*

4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.

I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.

[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.

Me when I’m ovulating

All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.

Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*

Her: what’s this?

Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms

Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol

Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.

The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.

I was in my prime.