Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
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TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.