Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
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I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.