Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
You Might Also Like
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
wow
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
🤣🤣🤣
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.