Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
You Might Also Like
A French press is when you hug naked
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
I know a bad idea when I see one.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.