Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
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I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.