Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.

You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last

lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”

suspect: what?

lawyer: no further questions your honor

Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?

Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back

Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane

Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking

Me: I will one day

Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here

I’m like the mafia to my son.

He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.

My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.

[boiling pot]

dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”

[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family

Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming

Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper

Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.

So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.

Still not sure why you would need this though.

You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…

Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

men, we mow at sunrise.

8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.

I’m sorry what now?!

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

Yeah….so is a grenade

“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”

Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me

has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet

Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it

[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!

Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*

GF: What are you doing?

Me: Making myself look big

Bear: Well hi

coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning

me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast

“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.

I am all good here, 😂😉

Me: You should take a bath

Kid: You can’t make me!

Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens

Me: You can’t make me!