Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
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i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.