Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company

Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?

waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?

me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.

[First day as villain]

Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]

You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.

I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.

I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.

me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.

my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?

Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…

Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more

[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.

if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around

wife: you’re drunk

me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol

Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.

Her: I’d really love some flowers.

Him: Orchids?

Her: No, just flowers.

What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?

Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?

“Not with the proper treatment.”

*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*

Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”

My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.

sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy

Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’

My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants

Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.

I only treason on days ending in y

Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.

Now, everyone come help me find Carl.

New guy: I really like your name

Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday

Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’

ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?

ME: Not murdering.

ATTORNEY: But where were you?

ME: {sweating} The not murder store.

You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.

My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”

Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.