Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.

My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.

covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers

“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.

Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”

If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?

People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.

Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.

*seduces you by wearing a sundress

*ruins it by running in flip flops

Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.

I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.

The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.

There aren’t enough rap songs about cutting coupons.

I want this so bad

If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday

I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT

Women’s Magazines:

Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.

Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.

I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.

*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*

*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*

Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”

I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.

Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.

prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”

I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.

Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.