Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence

Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin

*Dwarves all turn their heads*

Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy

Spelling is important because I finally received my Male order bride, Brian.

9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?

An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.

No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test

I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏

Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?

if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver

[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!

If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.

I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.

Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January

[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme

making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs

“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*

Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.

The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.

My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls

My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.

Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap

I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”

Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it

I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE

Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.

My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”

Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub