Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day

Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.

– spider moms, probably

A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if

Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.

Damn chess infection 😕

me: ted is coming over tonight

wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over

me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird

Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:

My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”

[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]

Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.

*power walks to the refrigerator*

i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)

[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone

Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.

My apathy is at an all time whatever.

I’m not proud

If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.

Me to my kids: don’t ever lie

Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken

I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.

[at gym]

Him: How much do you bench?

Me: Way less than I couch.

Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo

Everyone else at laser tag: 😳

Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend

I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.

Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.

[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no

Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.

You’re an adult. You can do what you want.

Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.

Did we do it, did we save the daylight

MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?

DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.

Where is that goddamn asteroid already

In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.

How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.

Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.