Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]

CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.

I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.

Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.

My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU

Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.

my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin

Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.

Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.

Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.

society: buy a sheet for your mattress

me: ok makes sense

society: then a sheet for that sheet

me:

society: then a blanket for that sheet

me: i think-

society: and a blanket for the blanket

me: you done?

society: oh and 30 pillows

kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.

Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect

Give me a minute, I can make this about me.

Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?

Me:

H:

Me:

H: …you look great

Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.

A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.

Oops, I ate my feelings again.

~ a memoir

For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident

Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?

God: peanuts

Elephant: what?

God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*

Elephant:

God: all of them

Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.

Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”

Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks

I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.

If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.

I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?