Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get

Me – I’m not in the mood to work today

My bank account – you better GET in the mood

All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.

I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.

my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse

my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are

and then suggest you lose weight

[my first day as a psychologist]

patient: i’ve been hearing voices

me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours

Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.

[Studying for his history test]

10: I wish I was born in the 1800s

Me: Why?

10: I’d have less history to learn

[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?

GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH

Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.

Me: *lifts couch cushion*

6yo: what are you looking for?

Me: six thousand dollars

ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.

jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home

serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death

me: so you’re gonna let me live

Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions

Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.

I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it

Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.

Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it

No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.

Kids, eat your vegetables.

*reluctantly, they eat*

[2 hrs later]

*I eavesdrop on their convo*

Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.

Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?

Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like

We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.

“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby

Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.

I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39

[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]

*breaks wind*

Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.

If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.