Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song

*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”

My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.

*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*

Please enter new password

Me: Candy123

Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password

We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$u

Me: Candy123!

Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.

Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?

Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?

Because OJ will kill you.

This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.

Why was the picture sent to prison?

It was framed.

Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain

The Sun: What’s his deal?

The Rain: Weird

The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know

Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why

Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.

This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️

Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent

The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.

My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!

Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster

My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.

What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?

No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.

[buys a single banana]

87,000,000 fruit flies.

Be specific when saying “BYOB”:

[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.

My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.

Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.

“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.

My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream

hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated

With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull