*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
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Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
How to lose a drone in 10 minutes
-a memoir by my husband and 7yo
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes