*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
You Might Also Like
If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
These are my emotional support Pringles.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
guy cleaning a diner bathroom let me walk in but said “no poo poo” and I very seriously nodded and assured him “no poo poo”
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?