*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
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Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
I put my pants on like everyone else.
with hope they still fit.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
They’re called werewolves.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no