*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
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Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it鈥檚 cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
I don鈥檛 argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they鈥檙e trying to watch TV.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 馃馃槀
day 1: we鈥檙e in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
the song firestarter, but it鈥檚 about my cooking skills
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
If you need a laugh.. 馃槄
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It鈥檚 classier and doesn鈥檛 drain the car battery.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools