*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
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in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
*limbos away from your hug*
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.