*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
You Might Also Like
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again