Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.

After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.

I found myself sitting beside the doctor who delivered me 42 years ago so I asked “do you remember me?” and he looked at me all serious and replied “it’s hard to tell when you’re wearing clothes”

My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.

I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…

friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?

wife: we think it’s-

me: snakes. we think it’s snakes

Me to me: I’m pretty garbage

Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong

Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing

Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications

Me: *nodding* a curator

I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.

At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.

bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore

Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs

If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.

The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”

They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..

….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up

me: hi do you take walk-ins?

groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?

He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.

Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.

ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)

SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?

i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work

why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism

Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol

Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted

Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?

Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs

If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush

Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.

the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this

Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.