Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.

You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.

Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.

we all know this pain all too well

Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.

me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own

FRIEND: that sucks

ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work

I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.

When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.

[Ouija board in Starbucks]

“Speak to me spirits”

O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G

G R O S S

Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”

[on my way back to the posting caves]

Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor

Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?

Me: …dog?

Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.

Me: No.

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year

Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?

I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.

The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.

The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂

i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper

I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops

put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.

doc: so how are you feeling

me: awful

doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood

[at movie theatre]

Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it

Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.

I don’t care what the scale says.

I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.

[job interview]

Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?

Me: Sure, go ahead

Interviewer: [dials number]

Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER

You had ONE job!

– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.