[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
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I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
One of the best
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*