applying for a new job
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me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
I am crying
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.