applying for a new job
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changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
wtf
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
energy cannot be created nor destroyed
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.