applying for a new job
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Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Inside you there are two wolves
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
If snakes were wide
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
I have never related to a cat more
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know