Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
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My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Personal question. #JustSaying
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Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath