Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”

*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*

“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”

18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.

“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”

– Garfield of Dreams

I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian

Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.

If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.

yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it

Me: I’d like the French dip

Waiter: Au jus?

Me: No, Catholic

Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs

I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.

Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.

When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.

After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.

Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?

Her: Uh, excuse me?

Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.

Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*

me: tries to sleep.

clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.

North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))

Has science gone too far?

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.

All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…

Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day

Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.

Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.

A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.

For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.

They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.