Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
You Might Also Like
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
i think both sides are to blame here
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Good morning ☺️
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.