Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
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i made a craigslist ad !
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.
We need more people like this.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*