[applying mascara]
Brain: open your mouth.
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I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?