Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at Home Depot]

Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye

Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?

Me: our dog died

Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…

Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody

I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)

Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins

Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.

Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough

Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!

For Sale:

baby shoes, never worn.

too small.

should have bought adult shoes.

Geez man, take it easy.

Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels

Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

Kentucky names the shit out of places

Them: You’re too focused on revenge

Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?

Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.

I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..

Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.

Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.

Me:

Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.

Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.

buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life

I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian

People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!

Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….

I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.

ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.

RECIPE SITE: Sure!

ME: Thank you.

RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—

ME: *Whispers* No.

RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.

The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.

My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.

“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’