[applying mascara]
Brain: open your mouth.
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Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.