Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.

Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.

Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing

nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right

me: totally

nintendo: and you hate working a job

me: so much

nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?

me: will it be cute

nintendo: so cute

me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours

NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what

[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion

Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question

How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.

BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop

[feeding the cat]

Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.

Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.

Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.

Cat: I’m really hurt.

Me:

Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.

The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.

ME: *exists*

KID: that’s not how mommy does it

My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”

I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?

I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.

At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”

A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??

Imguana see myself out

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.

The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…

Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does

my favouritest X’s, ranked:

9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife

I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”

I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.

It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.

I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.

these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some

And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago

If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.

Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.

*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?

The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.