Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.

Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.

Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass

Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?

Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you

Scientist: too late

live, laugh, laundry.

Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house

Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie

If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.

ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this

Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.

I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze

I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.

I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.

“Daddy, I-”

*presses button for soundproof backseat divider

Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”

*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider

[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty

Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars

The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.

My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.

Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.

Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.

I’m going to need an ambulance.

I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”

Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you

Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks

A dad and his duck

The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly

Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.

Food gives you energy to nap more.

Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.

Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.

[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that

Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.