*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
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wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Me checking my bank balance online.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too