Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: i need a copy of this key.

hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.

me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.

And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is

Who the hell invented Bull Riding?

“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”

please stand back I’m about to make this worse

You’re the water to my grease fire.

DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.

ME: I’m.

HER: Check please!

All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.

When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”

Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”

The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”

Apparently.

Me: We should get a bigger car.

Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?

Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.

I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.

Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.

I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help

It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.

Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.

A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.

what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys

A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.

Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.

Hear toddler having meltdown at Target

Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.

If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once

Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.

Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?

Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?

Son: yes

Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire

Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep

I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.

-me watching hockey

(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.