*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
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#JohnTravolta
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
One venti cheeseburger please.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE