*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
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Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.